I will

I will be gentle, like spring rain, and you will barely fill my touch on your skin. I will tell you stories making you laugh. I will tease you, building slowly on your needs and desires. I will be patient like if I had the eternity for us.

I will be passionate, because I'd have waited for you an entire life. And I'll be eager to surrender my defense, to penetrate your walls, because I've waited for you an entire life.

I will be strong not for my muscles but for my soul because endurance is not the result of pure physical training. I will support you and protect you and I will fold you completely like a safety blanket. And I will let you see my weakness and taking the leadership sometimes because I recognize there are things you can do better than me and fields where I can learn so much from you.

I will be hard and harsh because honey doesn't cure everything. And I will be fast and crazy because life is short and I don't want to miss any of it lulling myself in a fake dream.

I'll be like a child, inventing every day a new game. And like a parent, checking the kids are playing safe. I will laugh, finding the funny part of life, and I will make jokes for you because in life you need a lot of irony and laughs to survive.

I will always try to understand you because I respect you and your ideas. And I will do my best for you to understand me and the world in my mind. I will talk and let you talk, building on ours words and exchanges the base of our relationship.

I will... a lot of things and much more. It's just a matter of finding you first

Walking with the unicorn

In a city of water and haze I once met an unicorn. I remember the white of its mane, the light in its eyes, that quiet presence at my side.

I remember the feeling to wander around, moving in circle without a way out. There was only silence around, the music of the undertow far away. It was more difficult than expected to find the phoenix, I was there for it. It was unusual to walk along desert alley. It was like being among ghosts.

And then the light of sunset, which mad the red redder and the waterline painfully bright. I remember that light in her eyes and the contrast of colors.

It is weird, of all the time spent together I remember almost only the colors. Not the sounds, not the smells. Only colors and little details.

Sometimes I wonder if that unicorn still roam in that area. Sometimes I'd like to look for it again, but the I stop in my path to leave the past at the past and live in the present when new magical creatures cross my way. They don't give me the same peace, the same light, but maybe I too am not the same shining knight anymore.

The wedding (2)

Almost a month has passed. I wonder if anyone even realized. I was there, back to that house, with people from my past.

No, the few who knows didn't notice, the rest will never imagine. But the, back with her parents... sometimes I thought they considered my like a child to them. Or maybe there were just feeling that day was going to change their life. They are nice people, I've always liked them, and now I realized that day I was the only one at "home" but them.

So much has changed. So much I have changed. But still, the way they asked me to stay was touching and sometimes it is hard not to think to what it could have been. I left that night with my heart heavy. Nothing has changed for me. I'm still looking form what I miss

The wedding

She is getting married. My first love, the first woman I kissed.

I'ts a weird feeling, I'm not in love with her but I still love her, and sometime I miss our time together. She was only a girl, sho grew up in a nice woman. Not beautiful maybe, but she is smart and funny to be around, and stable. And she has that feminine strenght that no man ever has.

Her husband to be is a nice guy, a good man. It was funny when I first met him, at that time I knew her much better than him. But now things have changed and soon I'll be at the altar with them, givin them my blessing, asking him to take care of her better than I would.

I don't have children, but I think the feeling is similar. She was part of my family, now she becomes a new family with him and it is not my task anymore to provide for her. It makes me happy to see her happy. It makes me sad to see her departure. It makes me feel old to remain here alone again.

Like a whisper

It as been there for a long time now. Like a whisper, like images of dream. The smell of a rock, the sound of melting ice. I'd wish to know the meaning of this, because when I'm far away, when I'm in the desert, everything seem to make sense, everything comes out naturally.

But then I miss my people, I miss my friends and I need to come back. I try to understand what is the Truth, what is the excuse for what. Am I escaping? and when? where is the place to have my soul back, to build a life which can be really mine, and not just a fake?

Looking for directions, as always, in a quest that few can help with and less understand

Don't touch the children

I'm healing. It's taking time, but I'm healing. And I began dreaming again. Most are not pleasant dreams, people sliced by swords or axes.

And now, stronger than ever, the meaning of my past, the reason behind my last misadventures. I can still feel the dark around me, the sound of heavy steps on the floor tiles. The picture is not clear, neither the sounds, but I feel the cold, so unusual for that region, that season. I can feel it in my bones.

I can still remember how harsh that tongue, like a whip against my skin. I was weak, helpless, useless. Only a tool, a dustbin for the trash of all the group, of all that situation.

And now, step after step, I'm confronting my past with my present, what happened with what is happening, the process which brings from some preliminary remarks necessarily to a certain end. I'm healing. It's taking time, but I'm healing

The War within

The War is going on. Some days I can't stand the pain, the noise of clanching swords, the smell of the the blood. Some days I see only in red and black, the red of the spilled blood, and the black of the darkness around me.

Some other days I ask for more. More blood, more pain, more heads that roll away, more open chests. I want more violence. I need more violence to stay alive, to keep out of me my rage, my weakness, the darkness. And then, when I don't feel anymore, I'm safe. Without a soul, but safe.

I need to stay alone, it's the only way not to wound anybody but myself. I need to stay away from anybody who is not strong enough for me, who is not pure enough for me. I don't have the strenght to carry anybody else. I don't have the strenght to fight without inflicting too much pain. I want to survive. I can kill to survive. I don't want to kill or hurt the wrong people