Fighting, and then healing, and then fighting again, every time complaining because I'm not as strong as I would, not as fast in my recover as I would. I've got skilled with the time, but still some blow catch me to hard here and there.

And I'm not strong enough, neither fast enough to recover and be ready to fight back immediatly.

I feel hopelessly weak, and this frightens me. I can't allow myself the luxury to be fragile somewhere, I'm not in the position to. Strong for the weaker, stronger with the strongest. That's what I am, what I have to be, what I want to be. But sometimes I'd like just to sit down and allow myself to be weak, to find someone who grants me that.

Distance in between

There is a nice rule in my branch of the Order. If I hurt a brother, we both sit down for a while, facing opposite direction. In this way he can go beyond his desider of immediate revenge, and I can resolve my guilty feelings. It seems so simple to apply, so stupid that you don't belive it works as long as you actually try it. But it works.

I try to use the same approac with other people, but it never works as well as in the Order. Common people expect to be regarded in some way when hurted, they look for some kind of revenge, of immediate satisfaction. Probably I do the same sometime, if on the other side I don't find the right behaviour. Sometimes it's hard to understand who is the victim and who the attacker, so at the end both of the people involved think themselves as the victim and expect their revenge, their satisfaction. The results it's just a violence escalation which potentially can destroy everything, and then it's always hard to rebuild what is not anymore.

Sometimes you just need to change your point of view, not to face directly the problem to find a way to go beyond it. Not always the straight line is the fastes or the more efficient. Sometimes you just need to put some distance in between to see things more clearly